I asked Stephan what my worst habit is (because really, I have a lot of bad habits and it's hard to choose from), and he was very hesitant to tell me for fear of me being angry with him. I guess I can't blame him. He finally told me:
"Thinking people don't like you."
This is very true. Unfortunately.
You see, for a long time, I've basically decided that deep down, everyone who knows me must really hate me for some reason. I don't feel like I'm a likable person. In fact, I've been in therapy for this twice because I believe it is part of the cause of my depression and anxiety.
I believe the root cause of this is some childhood events. The beginning of them being detailed in this post, which I haven't provided a second part to. I will provide a second part here.
Because I was in Early Childhood (special ed for preschool aged kids) and required speech therapy, I came to my elementary school teachers with the label "special ed" and an account of my history. I had more or less become the poster child for the special education programs in the Katy ISD because I had defied the odds. Most of my teachers were fine, except for my second and fifth grade teachers.
And because I was speech delayed, I was behind in my social development, until I was in college actually. Needless to say, I was picked on a pretty fair bit for it. And in second and fifth grade, if I got into trouble with the teacher (even if I was innocent), my classmates would side against me. Some classmates would also pretend to be my best friend one day, and the next day, act like they never knew me.
Even among my friends, I always fear that one day they will suddenly decide they don't like me and pretend they never knew me. I even feel this way around family. To this day, I still think my husband's family must think he married a crazy woman and therefore not like me very much. I know this isn't true, but I can't seem to shake it. I always find a reason why someone must not like me, even if I am friends with them. It's hard for me to make friends because I wonder how in the heck they could like someone like me. This has resulted in me being somewhat high-maintenance.
Now you are probably wondering, "How did you ever get married then?" I've wondered that myself. It must have been a miracle.
I know some of you are asking, "You need some therapy, girl!" I've been in therapy for this. Twice. I can't seem to shake it, and I really want it gone. My paternal grandmother was a very paranoid woman, thinking everyone hated her, and I think it's what killed her. When she developed Alzheimer's, the only memories she had were of all the bad things people had done to her. I don't want that to happen to me.
Yes, this whole series is supposed to be lighthearted, and now I've killed it. But people have told me that they like my blog because of my honesty, and I want to uphold that. This is not one of those perky blogs that "Seriously, So Blessed" satirizes.
I hope that by writing this, I will find some healing. If anyone comments, I want them to be sincere. I don't want empty "I like you" comments. Just please, be sincere. I am not trying to make myself out to be a martyr and I am not looking for a pity party. I'm just showing you that yes folks, I am indeed human!
If you are genuinely my friend and are hurt by anything I say, please don't be. Just please continue being my friend, and know that I really am trying to overcome this.
If you made it to the end of this, I want to congratulate you. I hope I haven't put a damper on your day.
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4 comments:
I admire you for having the courage to share that fear. Confession: You're not the only one who worries and feels that way sometimes. Promise. I have to stop and remind myself that chances are, other people are just as worried about me liking them as I am about them liking me.
Laura! this might be hard for you to believe but most of what you said are things that I myself would have said (written) if it were my post. I can one hundred percent relate to your struggles of 'not liking yourself' or thinking everybody around doesn't like you. I too had a very difficult education from kindergarden until I graduated and it is a larg part of why I haven't hunkered down and gone into college other than to get my CNA which was a 2month course. I have also been in counciling on and off and even medicated since the age of 10yrs old. There is more I'd like to share with you in a more personal manner on these topics. I know I can't heal you, I have yet to be 'fixed.' but I have recently gone through some life changing experiences where I was/and am still being taught, how to change all of the negative thinking, and how to stop a thought in its tracks, figure out where it is comming from and changing it. I will get back to you via facebook with the rest if you are willing or interested to hear it.?
Thanks y'all. It really helps to know that I'm not the only one.
Laurie--I don't get on facebook much anymore. It's best to e-mail me. You can find my e-mail address on my profile; use the one with my married name (I don't feel like posting my address here). I would be very interested in chatting about this :)
You're definitely not the only one! I definitely wonder that sometimes. But you're a very genuine, truly likable person! I never would've thought you felt that way. You strike me as brave too. Okay, that sounded random. But you are talented at reaching out to others and helping them realize that they are cared for too. It's a real gift. And I love that you keep your blog real. It's much more relatable than most.
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